My Kitten is Evil… (part one)


I think the fact that our kitten tries to kill us is grossly unfair, considering we rescued our kitten from certain death.  I am not kidding or overexaggerating when I say that. The dipshits in our neighborhood like to feed the feral cats, which lead to 2 things: cat poop in my flower bed (grrr) and lots of feral cats.  One day, I heard a kitten meowing, but it was echoing off everything and I couldn’t pinpoint the source as much as I looked.  I’d heard this little mewling for a few days before I realized it was coming from our neighbor’s rain gutter (I saw the tail sticking out).  Poor thing had been starving for a few days in 100 degree weather because momma had decided it was the weakling and abandoned it.  Apparently momma cat was a complete moron, because weaklings don’t to meow at the top of their tiny, three week old lungs for days until someone figures out where it’s gotten stuck.

This also cemented my hatred for my neighbor, who had to hear kitty meowing directly over her door, and decided to let it die.  I already had an extreme distrust of this neighbor, because anyone who mows their lawn every other day at 7 am has issues.  And anyone who continues to do this and use their leaf blower after I come over and politely ask her to wait until at least 9 (since I work nights) is just a bitch.


Little kitty was fearless.  And really really tiny.  One day she decides to play a new game, which is attack any object under the sheets, primarily toes.  This is incredibly cute, as her little paws just go “tap, tap”.

This, of course, is only a substitute for her favorite game, which is trying to get the older cat (13 years older) to play with her.  She pesters the older cat, who wants nothing to do with her.  Ever.  Unfortunately, kitty did not get the message.

Older cat would hiss and run off. The kitty mistranslates this to “Hey! Catch me!” and runs right after her.  No matter what toys we had, attacking older cat was way more fun.  In fact, attacking anything becomes more fun.  So really, how was I supposed to know that the bedtime sheet game would turn into this?

One year old kitty has really sharp teeth now.  And she is thirsty for blood.  No matter how much attention she gets, or how much we ignore her when she goes psycho killer on us, it will not change.  At all.  God forbid you try to sleep with her at night.  Bed time is for pain.

So whenever I say that kitty gets to sleep in the guest bedroom at night and you give me that look which says I’m a bastard for not snuggling up, I say you can suck it.  I’m just joking–I didn’t mean that!  In fact, why not come over and visit for a few days?  I’ve got a guest bedroom…


6 thoughts on “My Kitten is Evil… (part one)

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