It’s Not Road Rage If It Happens On A Sidewalk

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What is it about perpetually in-your-way people? Is there some recessive gene from eons ago that was useful?  Perhaps some Neanderthal made an evolutionary leap by blocking someone else’s path while running from a sabertooth cat*, and then that unlucky blocked bastard got eaten instead.  Is there some National Geographic article proving that?  Maybe that would make me feel marginally better about putting up with in-your-way douche-canoes**, but I doubt it.  Now, there are some classics you’ll find anywhere–ladies in the mall or street shopping, for example, whose purses are so damed big they take up the entire walkway?  The annoying tourists who must stop every two feet to check their gps and take a picture.  Or the more pitiable but still annoying parent with child who has yet to walk in a straight line…  These types are everywhere, in every city, in every nation.  Like that red headed stepchild, they must be tolerated.

However, these other asshats are driving me batshit.

If I’m walking across the street and you decide to come to a dead stop to talk on your cell phone or generally block the crosswalk/sidewalk, not only will I bump into you, but I will be steadily wishing I had a cattle prod.  I recently was at a gallery, and a woman was texting on her cellphone and blocking the entire hallway.  I said excuse me about three times and she didn’t so much as acknowledge me, let alone move.  I felt like elbowing her like a football player, but I didn’t***.  Because as evil as my inner self is, my outer self has manners.  Sometimes.  Mostly when I’m in enclosed spaces and no plausible deniability.  Outside?  I might just wish you’d get hit by a car.  In fact,  you probably WILL get hit by a car…because people in cars are texting.  Or are doing that stupid thing where they put the phone on speaker or “hands free” and then hold it an inch from their face.

If I’m walking down a city street and you decide NOT to use the bike lane and instead ride on the sidewalk with your completely lame hipster custom cruiser bike with handlebars wide enough to hide Santa’s girth, I will not hurry out of your way, you assmunch.  Use the section of street you were given.

And drivers?  If someone cuts in front of me and then SLOWS DOWN, I’ll be pissed. I won’t do anything about it, because I don’t want to be shot on the highway.  But if I’m in the slow lane and you ride my ass to the point you can’t see my bumper, I’ll slow down 5mp.  Then 10.  Then 15, if you keep it up.  Until eventually you move into the next lane.  Then I will speed back up just to let you know that I was making a point.  Because passive aggressive behavior is satisfying.

I feel like there should be some cosmic law to help people learn the art of traffic, be it car, bike, or foot.  Like, a slight electric jolt.  Just a slight ouch, enough to unstick said head out of ass.  I think for cars there should be an ejection button, where the whole car gets pushed out of traffic so other drivers don’t have to deal with moronic behavior.  I have a feeling there’d be a LOT less drivers on the road.

Now, I know that we are all guilty at one time or another of jackass behavior.  But there are way too many repeat offenders.  I’m just saying a little prod here or there would go a long way…

* I don’t have to be historically accurate, smarty pants.
** douche canoe [doosh kuh-noo]  noun  Someone who exceedes the limits of being a normal douche or douche bag.
*** I started writing this before I saw her post, but Peas and Cougars has a hilarious blog comic that made me brush off the dust and finish this thing.
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6 thoughts on “It’s Not Road Rage If It Happens On A Sidewalk

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