Mouthbreathers On Flying Tin Cans


First of all, let me start by saying I am a world-class traveler.  Not in any fancy-shmancy sense, but I have seen many, many countries.  This is only unusual, it seems, for Americans.  I mention it because I remember days when you got fed on planes.  When harpies stewardesses didn’t snap and bitch about you turning your walkman off (it can’t mess with planes.  I know it and that myth has in been tested and debunked.  It’s just a way of making you pay attention, folks.)  When flights that were late landing would actually list the gates for all the connecting gates and let those with quick connections dash out.   But that isn’t the world we live in anymore, is it?

I just got back from my trip to the midwest.  And while I am still not-so-patiently waiting for someone to figure out teleportation, I ungraciously hopped on a flight back home.  The seats themselves are miserable to begin with.  In the last 10 years there has been a 3 inch reduction in the width of the seats, and even less legroom.  It wouldn’t be such a big deal, but the seat I was in curved in the most uncomfortable manner possible.

1.  The damned headrest shoved my neck forward so I was staring at my knees.
2. The upper back actually curved so I was forced to hunch my shoulders forward.
3. The lower back had no support whatsoever, and no padding for the damned kid kicking my seat.  I always get stuck in front of a kid.
4. I am not a tall girl in the least and I still had my knees touching the seat ahead of me because the jackwad in front of ME reclined all the way back.

The real doozie was that I was in a non-reclining seat, so I couldn’t compensate.  Apparently, if you sit right in front of an exit door, you can’t lean back.  But here’s the thing: they charge you an extra 20-40 bucks for 5 inches of legroom.  But they don’t make the crap seats cheaper, do they?  In fact, they didn’t even mark them on the seating chart as non reclining.  Or those other lame seats where you don’t have any leg room because of the metal box.  If they can make you pay for more, they should reduce for less.

But as many of my posts bitch and whine, I’m not predominantly bitching about the airlines themselves here.    No, I’m bitching about the morons on the plane.  Because no matter what, I always get some guy sitting next to me who thinks his girth means he has the right to use my boob as an arm rest.  Or someone who thinks their long legs means they can lean them over my knees.

Sympathy for them?  No.  Not much.  Because they don’t ask, they just take.  So I give them a look.  Make a comment.  If that doesn’t work, I passive aggressively fiddle with my bag, jostling their position.  I’ve got running injuries that makes sitting for so long uncomfortable, but other people exerting pressure on my limbs makes it worse.  And the fact that these always seem to be sweaty, smoke-smelling mouthbreathers does not lighten my mood at all.

But what really pisses me off are their bags.  That’s right, their bags.

You see, I take a small duffle bag on that I know will fit in the overhead bin and still leave plenty of room to close the dang compartment door.  But jackasses are getting on planes with bigger and bigger bags.  I refuse to call them carry-ons, because THESE PEOPLE CAN’T CARRY THEM BECAUSE THE BAGS ARE SO BLOODY BIG.  They have bigger rollers on them than a stroller. If you can hold your bag, don’t bring it on.  Our flight was delayed for 15 minutes because every Tom, Dick and Harry tried to shove these things overhead, ignoring the fact that they didn’t fit.  Don’t want to check it?  Buy a smaller bag.  And I swear if one more person tries to swing that thing down at the end of a flight and clubs me in the head…I’m going to go ninja on someone’s ass.  After the plane has landed.  I mean, god forbid anyone put me on a no fly list.  What else would I find to bitch about?  😉

6 thoughts on “Mouthbreathers On Flying Tin Cans

  1. I’m pretty sure that the airlines have all gotten together and made sure that no matter where I’m flying they have a really, really over-weight guy on standby to take the seat next to me, a family with a sugar amped kid to sit behind me and a Bengay soaked old woman to sit on the other side. I kinda wish I could put their bag in the seat next to me and shove them into the overhead bin.

  2. Up till last year I travelled all the time for work and had top status on multiple airlines where I got upgraded all the time to the point where I hadnt flown in coach for years and just expected to be lavished with hot towels and free booze anytime I flew. When I changed jobs and no longer had to fly it was a real shock the next time I flew in coach. It is inhumnae to say the least.

    • It is quite possible that in the past I was on a plane with you, saw your luxury of business class and secretly cursed you to feel my pain. My evil glare quite possibly led to your current predicament, because my scowl is just that powerful. I would say I’m sorry, but I have decided never to apologize for my personality on a plane. Economy can take away my comfort and spine alignment, but it can’t take away my bitchy attitude…

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