Warning: Adult topics abound

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Extra Warning:  Lets talk about sex, baby.  Let’s talk about you and me.  Lets talk about all the good things and the bad things…oh wait.  That’s a Salt N Pepa song.  What I mean is, this post is not for the delicate and demure, and it is PG-Whatever-American-Pie was.  So no complaints.  You’ve been warned.

I love getting my hair cut.  My husband doesn’t understand the appeal, but I have to say that I feel…cleaner, more kept after having one.  And I must also admit there is about a 3 minute timeframe during said haircut that I think of leaving my husband for my hair stylist.  But I have a really good reason: he gives amazing scalp massages.  

Every time he starts in on my scalp I slide a little bit in the seat, thinking that if my husband did this he’d get a lot more blowjobs.  When I told my husband this, he scoffed.  I countered with a logical arguement–you see I’m so relaxed I just don’t care what you do, so go ahead and stick a penis in my mouth.

My husband swore up and down because he didn’t have a tape recorder handy for that eloquent statement.

And while we’re on the topic, there’s another thing that would help the general male population getting more partners munching on their no-no bits: cleanliness.  Here’s the thing (the thing you never wanted to think of but too bad): you know how in the movies when a guy is at the urinal he just whips it around a little to “shake it off” when he’s done?  That. Is. Gross.  Basically, you’re asking your partner to wrap their mouth around something that has dried urine on it.  No way, no how, dude.

On the opposite end, I have found that if you talk dirty in the voice of Gollum and call your partners naughty-bits “your precious,” it is an instant mood killer for your spouse.

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6 thoughts on “Warning: Adult topics abound

  1. I just discovered your blog, so funny!

    I also would consider leaving my lovely man for a gifted scalp masseuse at the local salon (it’s so much better when a guy does the scalp rub, those big hard hands digging on your scalp… )… except my new hairdresser is a proud gay man and probably not open to offers from me : ) He does however, tell me wicked, scandalous things to do to please my other half, which other women never seem to have mentioned when we got chatting about doing it after a few glasses of something boozy. And he shows me the latest phone pics of his hot boyfriend naked. SERIOUSLY hot. Every lady should have her own gay hairdresser, it’s like being part of a secret club, LOL.

    On another TMI note, I don’t get issues with the cleanliness thing, because for some miraculous reason I ended up with a guy who ALWAYS washes beforehand. Either I got lucky, or he is an optimist who always assumes he’s going to get *very* lucky, 🙂

    http://www.cakesandshakes.wordpress.com

    • Thanks! You know, I feel lucky to have my hairdresser. Not just for the massage heaven, but because we can chat without me feeling guilted into entertaining him. It’s the worst when you’re trying to always come up with a punchline.

  2. Sarah Jordan

    Your post was hilarious, as per usual. I’ve also thought about how guys don’t wipe off their wang after their pee. So gross! We wouldn’t expect them to “go downtown” if we just sat there and drip-dried after peeing, now would we?

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