The Gods of Suckage


I have not been a happy camper lately.  And it’s nothing other than me being mullish about life in general.  I work hard.  I get tax return.  The God of Suckage decides to pay a visit, and I shell it all out on a fridge.  This is a repeated pattern in my life.  Get ahead?  Car breaks down.  Start saving for something?  Pet gets seriously ill.  Get back on track?  Insert new suckage.

My students are busy planning awesome spring break trips.  I’m hearing all about their grand plans.  I get to clean my house and catch up on sleep.  Why?  Because adulthood is exhausting and expensive and generally blows.  It’s true.

Now, I didn’t have a ton of money in college–my parents didn’t pay for anything, and I certainly didn’t have spring break in Cancun or anything like that.  I still had a lot of the same monetary struggles, for sure, and I had the pressure to keep my meager scholarships (that required a 3.75 gpa) and my 2 part time jobs. But there were so many things that made life easier.  Look at my younger self, and let me explain the every day things I miss about younger me:

1.  I was tan.  Because I could actually be outside during the day instead of trapped under gawdawful florescent lighting.  Even if I had an overly full schedule I still had time to unwind outside under the sun.

2.  I could do whatever I wanted to my hair.  Now, this might seem like a silly thing, but playing with pigtails, barrettes, odd colors was fun.  Unless your job is a rockstar gig, that doesn’t fly so well as an adult.

3.  I could have random piercings if I wanted.  No, its not always attractive, but that wasn’t the point, really, and it’s not like I want to have a septum ring or anything.  I just hate being told that I can’t.

4.  Clothing was a way to express your identity and personality.  I could be rude, funny, I could wear poofy skirts with kittens on them if I wanted to.  Most adults are forced to wear conformity sacks, I mean suits, that strip all identity in the name of professionalism.

5. I could read.  I had time.  I could focus.  I didn’t have to maintain the house, do chores, do extra research at home, worry about bills (so much), or curse my non-functioning fridge.

6.  I ate whatever I wanted.  Like that Hostess Cupcake in my hand.  Since I had time to dance, take martial arts classes and rough house with my friends, I burned excess calories.  And I had the metabolism of youth.  Now I even look at something tasty and I gain weight.

Most of these things are simple pleasures, sometimes just in the fact that I could choose based on my whim and not “professionalism.”  You’d be surprised how much a temporary tattoo of a unicorn holding a knife stuck on your arm can make you smile in a day.  But that is not really an option anymore.  Neither is liquor.  I mean, they say one of the best things about adulthood is drinking, right?  I used to go to the bar and slam down shots with my buddies, but these days it’s hard the day after…my body doesn’t jump back from hangovers.  I look at that jeigerbomb, and know it’s just not worth the two days of pain and suffering.

You’d think that I’m in some dark depression or something, but I’m not.  Adulthood is just chaffing a bit, and the fact that it’s been a few years since my last real vacation doesn’t help, I’m sure.  Can’t have a vacation if you haven’t saved up for it yet, right?   So just go ahead and read that first paragraph I wrote.  Yeah.

I am tired of feeling like a hamster on a wheel.  The Gods of Suckage can shove it.  I’m going to have a vacay in Maui.  Or at least buy a kiddie pool and some fake palm trees.  With some Pina Coladas from my very cold fridge, thank you very much.

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