My Ass Hurts (and other running complaints)


This week I went back to running after months and months of bronchitus.  I say running, but it’s mostly putting on shoes and wheezing a lot.  All I was missing was a snare drum and a laugh track.  There were a few things I’d forgotten about the horror splendid joy of running:

1. Your spit turns into glue.  If you’re really running, you loose a lot of moisture.  When I’m done with a run, I’m actually chalky with dried sweat.  My mouth also turns into a dry sauna.  I have too many allergies to run close-mouthed, so any spit I have left in my mouth has a wonderful epoxy-like consistancy.

2.  Sports bras suck.  If you are a more topheavy girl like me, you know that most sports bras don’t have enough support, and even the best ones have a hard time fighting D cups.  If I ran holding my boobs, I’d be okay, but I’d feel silly.  But sports bras mostly rely on that band under the breasts that squeeeeeze you in.  And I had the mother of all skin burns from the elastic rubbing.  I also had a series of blisters the next day.

3.  Running is mostly an exercise in ignoring pain and discomfort.  How could  I forget such a fundamental lesson?  I don’t know.  It took me 2 miles to remember not to slouch, which really messes up your back when you run.  I also had to ignore my calves, shins, tc bands, glutes, lower back, and every muscle possible.  All of that faded to the periphery when I simply started to die from lack of oxygen.

4. Running makes me the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man.  No matter how much I hydrate beforehand, near the end of my run I always bloat up.  Not my belly, my hands and feet.  I buy running shoes a size larger than needed because of it–before I did, I’d get huge blood blisters on my arches.  After I get home from a solid run I can never take my rings off–I look like I got stung by a bee on each fingertip.

And I hate to say it, but no matter how much I stretch, the deep tissue muscles are always sore.  In essence, my ass hurts.  But it’s hard to even get that far when you are so, so, so completely outta shape.  Here’s what my runs look like:

I’ve only been back at it for a week (3 runs) after 4 1/2 months absence.  I know I’ll keep at it, if for no other reason that I am inherintly lazy, and running uses more muscles than anything else…so in a nutshell, it’s less work than any other exercise.  I keep telling myself it’ll get easier.  And maybe I’ll believe it, the same way I might believe that spinach smoothies are better than chocolate milk. Yeah.


19 thoughts on “My Ass Hurts (and other running complaints)

  1. I’ve tried SOOOO many times to get into running, and simply CANNOT. I hate it with the fire of hell. I started P90X once or twice and figured it’s better than running, so I don’t feel so bad about it 🙂 Glad you’re starting to feel better!

    • Thanks! You know, I did p90x. The whole damned series, and it didn’t do much for me. I could do a bunch of chin-ups afterwards, but I wasn’t the ripped goddess I thought I should be. Meeeeh.

  2. Good for you! I’ve been really slacking off on the running over the last few months too – I squeezed in a few here and there but not my usual consistency. I always feel better when I tick one off, it’s just getting yourself out there that’s the problem. What motivates me is a holiday I took with a friend years ago: the resort was full of ladies in their thirties and forties who were fairly slim but their asses were sliding down their thighs, and there was cottage cheese as far as the eye could see. That’s the kind of shit that gets me off the couch, never mind your healthy living propaganda!! Better a temporarily sore ass than a saggy sack of oatmeal.

  3. Running is hard! Where are all the good motivational dinosaurs when you need them? I am trying to get back into it as well but it’s hard to enjoy that feeling of being stabbed by fiery needles from the inside.

  4. I hate to say it, but I love to run. I used to hate it, back when I thought I could run while eating a King Size Kit Kat bar. But now that I figured that out, I kind of enjoy it.

    • See, that is something I could never quite get into. My older sister tried to teach me, but the lesson I got was this: you run really fast to hit a fuzzy ball across the court so that person can hit the ball so you can run after it again…

    • I’ve read it’s due to an electrolyte imbalance, either too much or not enough…but it’s more like people were guessing. I’ve tried drinking up to a gallon of water, coconut juice, gatorade…it still happens. It’s a little freaky, but even web m.d. didn’t think I was going to die, so I’ll just deal with it.

      • Hm. Interesting! I’ve read that people who hike or walk for long distances can have their feet swell, too. I walk a lot (up to ten miles, sometimes), but I haven’t had it happen yet. I’m wondering how far I have to go before it does. Someday I’ll find out, lol.

    • I would be right there with you if it weren’t for the sports bra. It takes SO much energy to wrangle into one (D cup squeeeeezed to oblivion) that once I have that on, I feel like I have to run just to justify that drama.

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