This week I went back to running after months and months of bronchitus. I say running, but it’s mostly putting on shoes and wheezing a lot. All I was missing was a snare drum and a laugh track. There were a few things I’d forgotten about the
horror splendid joy of running:
1. Your spit turns into glue. If you’re really running, you loose a lot of moisture. When I’m done with a run, I’m actually chalky with dried sweat. My mouth also turns into a dry sauna. I have too many allergies to run close-mouthed, so any spit I have left in my mouth has a wonderful epoxy-like consistancy.
2. Sports bras suck. If you are a more topheavy girl like me, you know that most sports bras don’t have enough support, and even the best ones have a hard time fighting D cups. If I ran holding my boobs, I’d be okay, but I’d feel silly. But sports bras mostly rely on that band under the breasts that squeeeeeze you in. And I had the mother of all skin burns from the elastic rubbing. I also had a series of blisters the next day.
3. Running is mostly an exercise in ignoring pain and discomfort. How could I forget such a fundamental lesson? I don’t know. It took me 2 miles to remember not to slouch, which really messes up your back when you run. I also had to ignore my calves, shins, tc bands, glutes, lower back, and every muscle possible. All of that faded to the periphery when I simply started to die from lack of oxygen.
4. Running makes me the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man. No matter how much I hydrate beforehand, near the end of my run I always bloat up. Not my belly, my hands and feet. I buy running shoes a size larger than needed because of it–before I did, I’d get huge blood blisters on my arches. After I get home from a solid run I can never take my rings off–I look like I got stung by a bee on each fingertip.
And I hate to say it, but no matter how much I stretch, the deep tissue muscles are always sore. In essence, my ass hurts. But it’s hard to even get that far when you are so, so, so completely outta shape. Here’s what my runs look like:
I’ve only been back at it for a week (3 runs) after 4 1/2 months absence. I know I’ll keep at it, if for no other reason that I am inherintly lazy, and running uses more muscles than anything else…so in a nutshell, it’s less work than any other exercise. I keep telling myself it’ll get easier. And maybe I’ll believe it, the same way I might believe that spinach smoothies are better than chocolate milk. Yeah.