Fashion Ho! (and by that I mean hooker)

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So I was responding to Brett Minor’s funny post about summer on the horizon and started thinking about some fashion trends that I just don’t get.  I went to get brunch this Saturday and was surrounded by an unwelcome crowd.  Bicyclists.  Its not so much that I mind the idea of exercising via bike.  What I mind is they like to come to the restaurant still in their sweaty gear, and when they get in line, which invariably goes by all the tables, I am:

1. terribly close to their sweaty crotches.  Guys, I don’t need to be faced with your junk when I’m trying to eat.

2. blinded by the seizure inducing colors of their outfits.  Seriously, how much neon do you NEED to wear?

3. On this particular day, utterly perplexed by a bicyclist who was wearing see-through spandex shorts.  Clearly they were manufactured bike shorts, but transparent, like panty-hose.  And I got to see this lady’s granny panties in full glory.  It confused me because I couldn’t understand why anyone would buy those shorts, and then why anyone would not cover them up if they did.  Do you WANT my staring at your sweaty camel toe?  Do you think your sweat-stained butt crack is something I need to see?  My head hurts…

So anyways.  I wear crappy clothes when I exercise, and it has occasionally led to issues, like burns on my arms from the side seam or such, so I understand buying good quality exercise clothing, if you need it.  But dressing like a peacock, or like a hooker, as this lady was, is beyond me.  And yes, I am openly stating this lady.  She seemed totally comfortable with her frumpy self squeezed into these nasty non-shorts.  She was basically naked from the waist down.  And the guys wearing their cod pieces under their beer-guts?  I don’t have to ask them how it’s hanging. I don’t get it.  I don’t get it in skinny people, but I certainly don’t get it when you know it can’t look good with that extra 35 you’re carrying.  And when I see them I do not think I have the acting skills to completely wipe the disbelief off my face.

Now, I’m not a fashionista.  I don’t think I’m all that snazzy, nor do  I have a model’s body to pull off shitty clothing with grace.  But I try to wear clothing that flatters me.  I don’t flaunt my ass-crack to the public.  I am not immune to fashion horror moments.  I admit it. When I was younger and had a much better build, I was a helluva lot more casual about my clothing choices. But I wish someone had told me I looked like an asshat.  My highlights through the ages:

The Wave
This was a less than thoughtful look from the 80’s.  In my defense, I wasn’t an adult and therefore very impressionable.

The Grunge
Hello Nirvana age.  I wasn’t really grunge, since I bathed regularly, washed my clothes regularly, and often color coordinated my jeans with my flannel.  I was more grunge-lite.

The TechnoGurl
This is nothing I should have ever done.  EVER.  Because tight lycra and polyester shows ever physical flaw.  And while there was a section of purple/black, most people wore eye-gouging colors for fun with black lights.  Sigh.

The Cheap Secretary
This wasn’t a trend per se, but many people will recognize this style, which usually coincides with the first real job…compounded by hand-me downs, thriftstore finds, and a general lack of money from your cheap-ass job.

We all have questionable moments of fashion from our past.  But lets find out what your current moments of shame are.  Post your confessions below!

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4 thoughts on “Fashion Ho! (and by that I mean hooker)

  1. Haha – yeah cyclists wear the weirdest stuff, plus you know inside that super tight spandex is a thrush infection waiting to spread…

    I love clothes and think I’m ok fashion-ensemble, wise but my biggest recent mistake was the purchase of a bathing suit with side cut outs and a halter style – it was so unsupportive that my left breast fell out at the pool on a Sunday when it was filled with families and *cringes* I didn’t notice till a Dad’s eyes nearly fell out of his head, and he pointed! That thing went on a bonfire later. Clothes that make you accidentally unintentionally naked, are out.

    • Oh my. Boobie on the loose? That’s quite a trend there! I have never quite had that happen…though I have had my boobs fall UP my chest and out when I’ve bent over to pick something up.

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