I Am Ninja/Zombie/Bear

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I had my first true day of vacation on tuesday.  My in-laws left town, I had no classes to worry about–you’d think it would be a marvelous day.  But just when I think it’s safe to relax and embrace the moment, life finds a way to take those warm fuzzy feelings, shove her hand into my torso and rip them out through disembowelment.

Maybe I’m overexaggerating a wee bit.

At 8 am my mother calls.  She forgets I’m two time zones away and isn’t that funny?  Now, you aren’t supposed to be mean to the person who put up with you taking up residence in their womb for 9 months, so I mumble something unintelligible (and I had some very lucid thoughts, lemme tell you) and hang up the phone.

I get a text the next half hour from a friend:

Him: How are you enjoying your vacation?
Me: I WAS sleeping.
Him: You’re welcome!

I don’t think we are friends any more.   But to the many, many, many people who have called me early in the morning in the last week, this is what I’m thinking:  (cough, cough, moment of silence to center myself…)

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?  I’M ON F**KING VACATION!  GO THE HELL AWAY AND STOP CALLING ME! DO YOU WANT TO DIE?  DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?

Ahem.  Here’s the thing, folks.  Just because I’m not teaching for a whole week or so doesn’t mean I’m not used to that night schedule I get as the younger faculty.  And even if I didn’t go to bed at 2 am, who the hell gets up at 7 am on a vacation anyways? I decided to make a chart for everyone to clear up any issues about proper phone etiquette.  Specifically, a chart of when it is polite and also safe for your own physical and mental wellbeing to call me.  It you, too, are a night owl, feel free to copy and email this to your friends.

 

I bet there would be a lot less morning violence in the world if people stopped assuming everyone else was a morning person.  Now, a couple of disclaimers for you.

1. This chart is null and void if you are calling to tell me my house is on fire (and it actually is), checking I’m ready to go for some god-awful early flight, or to tell me you’re giving me a portion of your lottery winnings.

2. I know that with the red zone it says I will use physical violence against you and you’re calling and thus not there…but I have insomnia.  You wake me up and I’m UP.  You wake me up when I was actually sleeping soundly and I will get into my car, pajamas and all, track you down and THEN beat you senseless, because I’m not getting back to sleep anyways.

3. This whole list is also true for texts.

4. You don’t even want to see the list of things I will do if you ring my doorbell instead.  I couldn’t get this one church to stop coming by at 8 am every thursday until I opened the door in all black with a pentagram drawn on my forehead.  (Lipstick.  Fancy red color really set off my eyes nicely).  My neighbor decided last week it was a good idea to mend his fence at 6:30 am last week.  I dragged my ass out and asked him what the hell he was thinking, and would not leave until he apologized.  I am *bitchy* when I’m woken up by hammering, I’ve found.

I take no responsibility for any of this behavior, as well.  I’m like a mighty grizzly bear hibernating.  You poke a bear and wake it up, you deserve what you get.  No, I’m not a grizzly, I’m an undead/ninja/grizzly at 7 am.  Just put the phone down and walk away…

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4 thoughts on “I Am Ninja/Zombie/Bear

  1. #4 haha, my favorite 🙂 I’m also impossible in the morning. The only welcome event is if the delivery guy is coming with something cool I ordered online. Even then, the most civility I can muster is to throw on a dressing gown so I don’t flash him (he seems kinda prudish) and to try not to get too close so I don’t kill him with my morning breath. Now don’t tell me I wasn’t raised well…

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