Porn is a Four Letter Word

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We were driving to our favorite ice cream shot on the other end of town and we passed an “Adult” video store.  Some new adult stores have big windows, bubbley fonts and funny signs to put you at ease.  This was not one of those places.

“Gee, that looks really creepy and shady,” hubby said.  “Who would go in there?” I informed him that he wasn’t allowed to judge, nor was any man younger than 35.  Because as far as I am concerned, anyone that age or younger gets their porn off the internet.  And that, that makes you a boy in my estimation, not a man.  Because there’s nothing manly about secretly doing a troll on craigslist or some dating site, or wiping out your history before your girlfriend comes over.  (Google still tracks your searches, my friend).   I equate finding porn online the same as an 12 year old boy who has tucked away a slightly suggestive penny-saver coupon they found on the ground.  It’s just sad. Even a legit online porn site is just…less brave.

I think those males who have the balls (get it? har har) to walk with their head held high and actually grab “Slutty Sloppy Clown Sex” off the shelf, hand it to another person and stand their while they get a receipt has earned that porn, and earned their manhood.

My husband laughed and said eff you, which is his way of saying he refuses to admit I’m right.  But then he asked, “What about women? What about YOU?”  I don’t need “traditional” porn, I said.  I found out at the tender age of 11 when I was stuck in the Ozarks at my grandparents’ farm that the romance novels my grandma stacked on the shelf were just as slutty, just with words instead of visuals.  That book was an education.  And I did pick up a few on those no-dating months in college, sure. Of course, after many writing classes, I don’t read romance because I can’t stand all the metaphors for penises that crop up.

Anyways.  Even if a woman did want “traditional” porn, and I know many do, there isn’t the same sort of stigma.  A girl who walks into that store and grabs something is a “naughty” girl, a curiosity or someone the guys there would want as their girlfriend.  It’s just not as bad.  I had a friend that actually was a stripper to pay her way through college, and whenever we went in to get her more body glitter (snicker) we got looks, but generally positive ones.  So I don’t think you earn your vagina badge the same way as guys earn their balls, though you have to have some guts one way or the other to walk in.

You know, I don’t have any real way to end this, so I’m just going to list a bunch of bad penis metaphors from Harlequin Romance novels: throbbing manhood, golden shaft, manroot, heavy rod, steely phallus, woman-maker, sword of desire, candle of love, velvet covered manhood…

Feel free to vomit at any time.

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6 thoughts on “Porn is a Four Letter Word

  1. Hilarious… On the street near where I live (a classy, upmarket joint dontcha know) there’s a big porn shop with the bright lights and the giant pictures of scantily clad women, which makes me wonder which boy scout is happily skipping in the door, plus, if there were giant pictures of scantily clad men I might actually go in myself, but since I despise patriarchy and sexism, they’re not getting my custom… frankly I get hella embarrassed by any porn. I accidentally clicked a link while perusing quality news site Perez hilton the other day and instead of taking me to Facebook, it took me to something called ‘f**kbook’. It was hard to explain my shrieks/blushes to the people in my house that day. On the upside, seeing a brief shot of a woman’s vagina that looks like you could drive a car through it made me feel a whole lot better about myself.

    • You know, I’ve never rated my hoo-haa compared to anyone elses. I mean, I have flipped through various boyfriends stashes of porn (what they hide says a lot, I think) but I never thought, “Oh, I wish I had their vag!” I just see each one as unique. Like an alien flower.

  2. Back in the 90s, I always had no problem going into the local video store, walking directly to the backroom and studying the backs of the tapes to see which one might be worth my while.

    I’d still do that today, expect that A) there are no real video stores near me and B) I would need to come up with so crazy way to justify all the rental charges to my wife.

    Free online porn just makes it easier.

    • Easier, yes, but I just don’t think you’ve *earned* that pleasure with free online porn. The same way I haven’t earned my dinner since I didn’t have to kill it and skin it. I’m not saying it’s wrong, I just think there are whole generations of boys who haven’t had to man up, so to speak, and don’t appreciate it as much. Ew. Bad visual.

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