Every weekend my husband and I go to a really kickass breakfast joint. They know us on sight. They know our order. We each get our own meal, but we also split a stack of pancakes between us (because a single pancake is five bucks but a stack is 8, so its more cost effective, or so we tell ourselves.) Each week we take turns ordering this extra plate, as to divvy up the role of piggie. Now, you’d think if we clearly had such an overabundance of food, there would be plenty to go around, right?
Not this week. My husband, who swears he doesn’t like sweets and swears he doesn’t need that heavenly stack of pancakes every week wolfs half of them down before I unwrap my silverware. Which would be fine, if he stayed within the boundaries of our unspoken agreement, but he didn’t. This agreement isn’t so much a written contract, but the system created after a decade of living together through a delicate balance of outrage, pathetic looks and outright thievery. (We were both middle children, so we have the skills for “claiming” our food down to an artform.)
To disregard the unspoken agreement is dangerous. Things could turn violent. But I am a better person than that, so I just sulked and used it as a means of manipulation. But not everyone can be counted on to take the high road like I did. So in order to help couples everywhere understand their roles in the ballet that is breakfast, I have made a guide for you here.