Behold Me, the Famous Artist You Never Knew You Forgot


In response to my last post, I got some great questions/requests for this blog post, and as you know I am nothing if not a people pleaser.  (cough, cough).  One dear reader asked how I became such a brilliant, talented and awe inspiring artist with my photorealistic drawings.

I think my rise to illustrative genius started at an early age, when I came home from kindergarten with an art piece I made that was uniquely different from what other kids were creating.  It was truer, more pure in form.

It was purer due to the lack of glitter

Seeing my sheer creative brilliance, my parents decided to hone my craft by giving me an artistic mentor.  First they brought home Van Gogh.  His work with pattern and linear brushstrokes gave noticeable depth to my work.

The painting where I surpassed Van Gogh

Of course, there comes a stage in any artists life where they surpass their teacher, and must move on.  Also, since he had ripped an ear off I kept having to scream at him since he refused to get a hearing aid.  Prima donna.  So next my parents dragged home Salvador Dali.  I studied the depths of surrealism.  My parents also ground LSD into my juiceboxes every morning to help my artistic development.  In the end, I had gotten too good, and Dali accused me of stealing his ideas.

My turkey in the desert was painted years before Dali’s long legged elephant, the copycat

After that I needed some time off.  So I didn’t create art at all in 4th grade.  I took that time to reflect, and then in 5th grade dove into postmodernism with Barbara Kruger as my guide.

Eat your heart out, Warhol

Of course I became an instant success in this style as well.  The fame and adoration was so constant that I created an entire new identity as a normal 6th grader, and continued to build a life of mundane misery as a way of blending into the masses.  Besides, as meaningful as this work was, I was never really satisfied with the lack of personal identity in this art practice.  So instead I’ve taken my considerable drawing talents and use of Microsoft paint to create the masterpieces you see every week.

And that is my meteoric rise to my artistic talents.  Of course, as another commenter suggested, I may sit in quiet reflection and write a haiku from time to time.  I do this once every thirty years or so:

Perfume for my mind,

pepper to delicate souls;

sarcasm rules.

While I have stepped back from the true canvases of paper plates for digital art these days, for $1000 I will trace the outline of my hand and send it to you, signed and editioned.

4 thoughts on “Behold Me, the Famous Artist You Never Knew You Forgot

  1. Hilarious! I know this post was tongue and cheek, but honestly I think you’re onto something. Why don’t you write a fun and educational children’s book about different genres by showing the same subject/picture (ie. turkey hand as you did above) — an impressionist, a realist, etc. Has it already been done?

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