I have an interesting conundrum. I don’t know if I have any friends*. I’m not talking about facebook, folks. Nor am I talking about those people who say “Hey, how you doing?” and keep walking by. I mean real friends. I hate to say it, but there are moments, hours, days, months where I wonder if I have any friends. I do have friends in other cities, but here? First, my hubby doesn’t count. Neither does my dog. Or satan-kitty. And neither do work acquaintances, ie faculty I don’t actually hang with.
It’s not that I don’t do things with people, I do. But usually I do stuff with people on the odd weekend where I’m not grading papers and whatnot, so I’m not terribly reliable, due to the lack of normal 9-5. And here’s the kicker for me–when we hang, it’s always because I ask people to do stuff. I don’t get asked to parties, to go shopping, to hang out and watch a movie. So my question is this; is someone your friend if they never ask you to do something?
I personally don’t think so. Maybe people just think of my schedule and just go “oh, she’s busy,” but I don’t know if they’re thinking that, and so I assume the worst. Because isn’t friendship supposed to be equal?
I also know that there are people I want to call my friends, but I think I would just be deluding myself, and if nothing else, my life lacks platitudes. (I’d rather call myself a sad sack than super duper if I don’t believe it.) But I also think my expectations might be out of whack. Because when I think of friends, I still think of highschool. You know, where you had sleepovers and you knew everyone’s secrets and you shared clothes and braided their hair? Unrealistic, I know, but it felt so…legit. My husband is like that. He knows my secrets and my stupid jokes and I act like a dork in front of him. But does that mean we all have to reserve that for our spouses? I admit that I have lost previous best buddies (all male) after they got married. Which sucks, because I still talked to them when I got married, but I guess it’s different for guys? And I also admit I move a bit, and did a lot as a kid, so I don’t live in the same state as my elementary friends, middle school friends, high school friends, college friends, OR grad school friends. I don’t have that fall-back of longtime friendship with anyone that could drive over in less than 4 days.
I had this pity party already in the back of my mind, but then I read a really depressing article in the New York Times that said after 20, people suck at making friends. So I am doomed. DOOMED! All I know is that I want to have someone over to my house late at night that I trust enough to wear pjs and chant bloody mary into a mirror while holding a candle.
I’m so annoyed at myself for even writing this post that I don’t want to be my friend, either.
Warning: I am in pms mode, have had a migraine for days and am generally feeling sorry for myself. I almost didn’t post this, but I swore to keep my deadline. So you get to either feel sorry for me or annoyed at my lack of humor. Therefore, I also have a joke for you to make up for it: What did the banana say to the hippo?
Answer: Nothing. Bananas can’t talk. Ba-da Bing!