About to Ruin Shopping for You (You gotta read to the end)


So, I went shopping again.  And based off my earlier post on the topic, you should know this does not go well.  Ever.  But, every once in a while I get the itch to hunt. I was at TJMaxx praying beyond hope that they had some cheap boots for sale.  (They did not. Bastards) So instead of feeling totally let down, I decided to look for jeans.  Because I can never have enough jeans.  I don’t know why.  It’s a disease I inherited from my mother, except her specific ailment was high heeled shoes.


I went to the fitting room, one pair of ill-advised skinny jeans in hand.  (To go with the cowboy boots I had yet to find.)  Skinny jeans are impossible to get on lotioned legs.  I should have remembered this.  And that I hate skinny jeans.  So I hobbled over with jeans stuck to my calves and sat down in the chair.  And then a truly horrible thought crossed my mind: thousands of people had placed their asses on this very seat.  Mostly with underwear (I hope) but girls are really into thongs these days.

I seriously thought of putting my hand sanitizer on my ass, but really, I had underwear on as a barrier.  And the 3 second rule applied.  But I got the heebie jeebies thinking about it.    From now on, I’m bringing hand wipes or putting a sweater down or something.  I realize the entire thought process was probably a distraction for the fact the jeans didn’t fit and I felt like a fat cow, but I’m still grossed out.

And now you are too.  You. Are. Welcome.


9 thoughts on “About to Ruin Shopping for You (You gotta read to the end)

  1. 2% spandex! The magic words – every pair of jeans fit when the label includes this. If jeans don’t fit me, it’s their fault, as far as I’m concerned. But yes, those little changing room seats are probably crabs-central. Your wipes would probably not rule those little buggers out 🙂

      • This is true. But it was hell getting into them! I remember having welts on my hipbones from trying to ‘wear’ a pair – it was that or they used to gape at the waist. Personally I love the new 2% spandex ones, but I do agree, they go all stretched out around the knees, etc. which is irritating.

  2. Maybe they should have those toilet seat paper covery thingies? Or that roll that goes over the bed at the doctor’s office. Or maybe girls should just wear sturdy underwear again. That would probably be best for everyone.

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