Proper Butt Etiquette


So my husband and I went out for brunch on Sunday, like we always do.  Unless I’m in a coma or there is a zombie apocalypse, we will go for Sunday brunch.  But it was reeeeally busy and we got seated to a ridiculously small table that wasn’t as wide as my girly shoulders, but at least I’m on a long bench seat.  Fine.  Not cool, but whatever.  Now, like many restaurants, there isn’t a whole lot of space between our table and the one next to us.  I’d say…a foot and a half?  But it’s a corner with no table next to it, so they could all easily slide in the other side and scoot around.  Do they?  No.  Fine.

What’s not fine?  Some guy’s ass about 2 inches from my face because he doesn’t want to brush his legs on his own table.  Better to bend into ours.  It’s just like an airplane, folks–crotch or ass?  I say face the person who you are visually assaulting, because you can at least know exactly how close you are.  Most people don’t realize how far out their asses go.  And while this guy doesn’t have a small frame, it’s not the size of his ass I have a problem with, but the fact he’s flinging it in my face.  I actually have to lean back or he’d have brushed my cheek.  Not from size, just from lack of awareness.  I’m sure I look affronted at this point, because I am.

He also decides to try and swing that load even closer as he levers down–he wants to sit in that space between our tables and then hop his butt over to his table. But since I have no chair to hang my purse on, nor any room to put it on the table or a chair next to me, my purse is pressed up against my side.  My purse measures 7″x8″x2″ and is propped up next to me as to take up as little space as possible.  But, I have an ipod, a camera and a kindle in my purse.  There is no way in hell they can withstand any caboose sitting on them, so I put my hands out, maybe the whole 3 inches away from my side.  His butt brushes my hands, but my camera is safe.  I don’t say a thing, but my eyes bulge because the man’s ass was almost in my lap.

His friends gives me a look.  He turns and says “is there a problem?” in this wannabe offended voice (it was clearly over-acted) and I can see exactly where he’s going with the question.  I might add that this man was about 70 pounds overweight, not that I judge or care, but apparently he does. Now, he bent his ass into my face without needing to–the other side of the table had a few feet of space!  And, he was planning on sitting on my (tiny) purse, got an inch from it.  But he was trying to play the victim, making the assumption I was making a comment on his weight, when infact I was bracing my belongings and my person.  When you bend over to where your ass is in someone’s face, you do not get to play victim.  That was annoying. But I just said “no,” cuz really, I didn’t want to get into it.  I just didn’t care enough to go through a whole conversation with a primadonna.  I did not want to engage anymore than I had been forced to.

But more than anything, I was annoyed that no one here seems to teach people manners on close quarters.  If you can side-step, do it.  If you’re walking in a tight space with someone nearby, don’t use your butt as a buffer, and for godsake, don’t bend at the waist.  Keep your torso straight and lower by bending at the knees, leaning away from them.  I make exceptions for elderly type who probably can’t do that, but this shmuck was maybe 35.  And it’s not about the size of your ass, it’s where you put it.

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