Annoying Douchebag Neighbors


(Not To Be Mistaken for the Cat Killing Crazy B*tch Across The Street)

I have no picture to share today, because only idiots in James Bond movies show diagrams before the evil scheme has come to pass.  Hmm.  Maybe I should explain…

I have not been home recently.  I’ve been out of town on a tragic turn that I will talk about some other time when it doesn’t make my breath catch every time I think about it.  But in my absence, our yard did not get mowed.  My husband and I were gone for a week.  The folks on my street can just deal.  Or so I thought.

We come back, jetlagged, mentally numb, and walk the spastic puppy that night.  We are walking down the street and past our neighbors walking their dogs.  They’d stopped so the troll of a woman could tie her shoe.  As we pass, I here her say “oh, that’s our favorite neighbors.”  And sarcasm carries on airwaves, folks.

FIrst of all, she’s either just rude, or rude and an idiot for thinking that I don’t hear her and could actually confront the passive agressive ho.  But I’m so tired I just walk on by and file it for later.  Just like I’ve filed all our disputes.

  1. I work nights and very very politely asked our neighbor not to mow at 7 a.m.  Knowing all this, one morning he started hammering his fence at 6 a.m.  I walked out in my pajamas and gave him a look.  and asked him if it was really necessary to work on his fence about 2 feet from my bedroom in the house quite so early.  Either my don’t-fuck-with-me look or my mussed hair scared him into apologizing.
  2. This was also after he had a leak in his water line at his house, and without asking hooked up his hose to our house to use our water.  No asking to use it nor offering to pay for the three days he had it hooked up.  Not only this, but he has such a piece-o-shit hose that he had to use a mallet to get the connector on every morning (we told him he had to disconnect it so we could water our garden)…which is right under (you guessed it) my bedroom window.
  3. He leaves his dogs outside all night to bark loudly for hours and hours, even though they are indoor dogs.  He leaves them out so he can sleep.  And so I can’t.
  4. He decided he didn’t like the crabgrass in our yard and decided to mow it.  Then weedwhack it, even though we mow and pull weeds on a regular basis.  Of course, he didn’t care about where he weed whacked and took out my rose bush, limbs of my lavender plants,  plus cut up my weed block (didn’t have weeds but thought he’d be thorough…and in doing so, gave us weeds growing through the cuts in the weed mat.)  He also cut up our 60 dollar drip hose with his weedwacker.
  5. His girlfriend/wife/whatever that lives there decided that because we asked them firmly not to work on our yard because of the damage, we were unreasonable.  So if she sees me on a walk with the dog, she revs up her car, drives right up to the edge of the sidewalk across the lanes to scare the bejesus out of my dog.  Who doesn’t bark for hours on end, poop in their yard, etc.

The drive-by fiasco was the most recent thing.  Which makes her a raving beeatch, especially since she’s never actually talked to either of us.  Ever.  Trying to hurt my puppy is an act of war.

So after they’d left for work, I took the puppy for a walk.  And picked every ripe crabgrass seed there was.  Petty, yes.  But if being polite and reasonable instead of citing ordinances gets me nothing but name calling and kamikaze driving, they will have a yard full of weeds.  We’ll see if that makes me feel better.

Got any other fun suggestions for me?  You know, good old passive aggressive, law abiding and completely deniable suggestions?  Dunno if I’ll do anything, but I do like to plot.

6 thoughts on “Annoying Douchebag Neighbors

  1. This is totally not nice, but completely fun to imagine: my scary aunt had a feud with her old neighbors, so she froze liquid fertilizer in ice cubes and threw it over the fence. The fertilizer melted and left burns “holes” in the grass.

  2. frenchroast

    My mom’s favorite trick was to leave “Easter eggs” in places, and wait for the inevitable stench to drive them crazy–they can always be blamed on “neighborhood kids”. The crabgrass seed idea is good. You could also use dandelion puffballs–whenever you come across dandelion puffballs, pocket them, then blow them into your neighbor’s yard.

    You could hand their phone # to telemarketers. Or use their address as a throwaway address (provided you don’t have to attach your name to whatever the address is for).

    If you could get inside the house, I (sadly) have at least a dozen different things you could do, but those are really best used on a cheating soon-to-be-ex-husband (my mom is vindictive…but totally justified).

    The fertilizer trick is AWESOME. It’s probably a good thing my mom didn’t know that one…

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