Morons with Horsepower

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I don’t care who you are, there’s one thing (only one thing?) that drives me absolutely nuts; asshat drivers.  Some people are really reckless drivers, and they shall be cursed by me as I screech on the brakes.  But what annoys me even more are idiots with more money than sense.

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See, I know the limits of my car.  I know what it’s capable of.  But it’s not a badass car.  That’s fine.  I don’t need a pimped out engine.  I drive to work, not over mountains.  But these super sized monstrosities on the road are annoying.

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I don’t like the fact that my mom owns an suv, for example.  She drives to the grocery store, not across rivers.  It’s ridiculous.  But what really gets my road rage going are people who have these kind of cars and drive them like the popemobile, like this idiot today.

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If it takes a truck that I’d need a ladder just to climb into an eternity to turn into a parking lot that has a light curb, then that driver is an idiot.

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An idiot whom I might or might not have said should die.  I can’t say for certain, because there was this odd reddish tinge to the world while he crawled onto the curb in slow motion.

I don’t have a death wish though. I know it’s not nice to explain people should put their feet on the pedal and their head out of their ass. I keep those windows rolled up while I hurl insults so no one can hear.  But I seriously think that if you can’t drive your vehicle as intended, you should be forced to swap it with a station wagon from the 70s.

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Parking Tickets

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First let me say that everyone has been a parking asshole at one point or the other, without meaning to.  There are times when we all get so wrapped up in life that we aren’t as considerate as we should be.  Or circumstance makes us park like an asshole–like once I was in a parking lot where everyone for 10 cars were all parked offset because of someone long gone who had parked wrong.  So I parked over the line because I had to, as well, as it was the last space left.  I get it.  Dickhead maneuvers are sometimes unavoidable.

What I don’t get are douche canoes who clearly are either dumb as rocks or think they are too important to follow the rules.  Like the asshat who parked next to me this week.  See, we went to Six Flags for my birthday, and the WHOLE LOT was full.  We drove around for 40 minutes to find a single spot!  This was the only one there…and with my small car I was still able to juuust fit inside my line.  But this dickweed didn’t even try. It’s an amusement park with a small lot! In the summer, it’s a busy place, so this dipwad’s parking job is inexcusable.

parkingticketWe all know from past posts that I have road rage, although polite roadrage. Even when I’m walking on the sidewalk.  You’d think I’d blow my lid.  But I didn’t…because I had one of the best purchases I’ve ever made with me: a set of parking tickets.  I flipped through the book and found an appropriate one.  Now instead of getting pissed at these horrendous parking jobs, I actually enjoy them.  And I must say…I have never found one ripped up on the asphalt, so I think people are bemused enough to actually read them.

Insulting-Parking-Tickets-Booklet-640x300I need to buy a new set, because they do keep the blood pressure down.  I think they are funny, and if I got one, I’d find it pretty damned funny too.  But it got me to thinking…parking tickets are a way of educating the public that they are in violation of our rules, and therefore it is an education.  Now, I’m ALL about educating jackwagons everywhere in the world, and why shouldn’t you get the joy of passing parking tickets out, too?  Well, if you can find the ones I got at some tourist shop, good for you.  But I must say, they inspire NO fear since they aren’t parking ticket shaped.  So I decided to make my own…and to share it here with you.  Up close it won’t fool anyone, but at a distance it might make someone sweat, and that’s retribution enough, eh?

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I left the ticket offense blank so you could write in your own reasoning, but I also included a back page to print, in case you need help expressing your, uh, diplomatic edification.  I thought up the insults I most commonly give, for the infractions I find the most annoying: parking in 2 spaces, parking with INCHES next to my space or over the line, parking in a NON PARKING ZONE (jesus that one gets me), taking for-fucking-ever to turn the damned steering wheel into a spot (for either asshat behavior like holding “hands free” devices instead of the steering wheel, OR for simply teeny, tiny balls while driving a mammoth SUV), etc.  Feel free to leave a comment on the post with your own poetic barbs for someone to use. (Though if you’re here because you got one…suck it up.  It’s a joke.  And I’m not responsible for what someone else decides is ticket-worthy ass-hattery. If you really want to take it seriously and get pissed, first send me a check for $250 for the fine).

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If only I could find a way to give people driving tickets, too…

Safety Signs Can Kill

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I see stupid stuff all the time.  We all do.  I just happen to register it more than most people, which is not good for my blood pressure, I’m sure. We already know I have road rage. But (almost) nothing irks me more than a person or sign that chastises me while I’m driving.  In the midwest, it’s the signs that say I’m a sinner and going to hell if I use birthcontrol.  Those always annoy the heck outta me.  But driving outta wine country and back home, this one bugged me.  A lot.  Texting while driving is bad, no doubt.  I don’t answer my phone at all while in the car (many insurance companies will now ask to see your records if you get in a car crash of any sort, and if you were talking or texting, they won’t honor your claim.  Think on it, folks)

BUT, if you have a blinking sign you’re forcing me to read, is that ANY better?!

I had set this all up as an animated gif, but wordpress sucks once again.