First let me say that everyone has been a parking asshole at one point or the other, without meaning to. There are times when we all get so wrapped up in life that we aren’t as considerate as we should be. Or circumstance makes us park like an asshole–like once I was in a parking lot where everyone for 10 cars were all parked offset because of someone long gone who had parked wrong. So I parked over the line because I had to, as well, as it was the last space left. I get it. Dickhead maneuvers are sometimes unavoidable.
What I don’t get are douche canoes who clearly are either dumb as rocks or think they are too important to follow the rules. Like the asshat who parked next to me this week. See, we went to Six Flags for my birthday, and the WHOLE LOT was full. We drove around for 40 minutes to find a single spot! This was the only one there…and with my small car I was still able to juuust fit inside my line. But this dickweed didn’t even try. It’s an amusement park with a small lot! In the summer, it’s a busy place, so this dipwad’s parking job is inexcusable.
We all know from past posts that I have road rage, although polite roadrage. Even when I’m walking on the sidewalk. You’d think I’d blow my lid. But I didn’t…because I had one of the best purchases I’ve ever made with me: a set of parking tickets. I flipped through the book and found an appropriate one. Now instead of getting pissed at these horrendous parking jobs, I actually enjoy them. And I must say…I have never found one ripped up on the asphalt, so I think people are bemused enough to actually read them.
I need to buy a new set, because they do keep the blood pressure down. I think they are funny, and if I got one, I’d find it pretty damned funny too. But it got me to thinking…parking tickets are a way of educating the public that they are in violation of our rules, and therefore it is an education. Now, I’m ALL about educating jackwagons everywhere in the world, and why shouldn’t you get the joy of passing parking tickets out, too? Well, if you can find the ones I got at some tourist shop, good for you. But I must say, they inspire NO fear since they aren’t parking ticket shaped. So I decided to make my own…and to share it here with you. Up close it won’t fool anyone, but at a distance it might make someone sweat, and that’s retribution enough, eh?
I left the ticket offense blank so you could write in your own reasoning, but I also included a back page to print, in case you need help expressing your, uh, diplomatic edification. I thought up the insults I most commonly give, for the infractions I find the most annoying: parking in 2 spaces, parking with INCHES next to my space or over the line, parking in a NON PARKING ZONE (jesus that one gets me), taking for-fucking-ever to turn the damned steering wheel into a spot (for either asshat behavior like holding “hands free” devices instead of the steering wheel, OR for simply teeny, tiny balls while driving a mammoth SUV), etc. Feel free to leave a comment on the post with your own poetic barbs for someone to use. (Though if you’re here because you got one…suck it up. It’s a joke. And I’m not responsible for what someone else decides is ticket-worthy ass-hattery. If you really want to take it seriously and get pissed, first send me a check for $250 for the fine).
If only I could find a way to give people driving tickets, too…