Freedom at the Pump

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It seems the last few weeks I have nothing but company complaints in my mind. Sooo..you know that new commercial you see all the time on tv?  The one with the lady close to my age, actually, who gets out of a car with some kind of music blaring?  See, I know I’m supposed to look at it and go “she may be white, but she’s still hip!  I can be like her!”  Yeah.  I hate that commercial.

Every time I see that commercial, I start grinding my teeth.  Because they are trying to romanticize something I want to bitch slap her for.  Well, that commercial character and anyone else that makes me roll up my car window.

First of all, you don’t see if there’s a kid in the car, you just see a stuffed animal.  It’s not cool to have the music up if you’ve got kids, yo.  Busting your own ear drums is stupid as shit, but if there’s a kid present, you are irresponsible.  As in your kids are the ones who yell in every store because they have no hearing because they need hearing aids irresponsible.

Second, I dislike those stupid family stickers.  Except for the funny ones like these.

But bumper stickers in general are just weird to me.  Why advertise your politics or how many kids you have?  Are you looking to make life easier for stalkers?  I know some people have those stickers or “baby on board!” to advertise they have kids in order to make those around them more congenial on the highway, but, I don’t think you get a pass on cutting in front of me or driving like a jackhole just because you chose to push a baby out of your vagina.  I will still honk while I hit the brakes.

Honestly, this is all secondary to a more petty grievance in my mind.  You see, you might think pumping out the bass on your speakers is cool, but I think you are a raging dildo for it, because a) it makes my constant migraines instantly worse and b) it is, in fact, a noise violation, and c) I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR MUSIC.

So while I acknowledge the adolescent and quite transparent message of “be cool like her” in the commercial I will always reject due to my vehement distain for such crude, simple techniques, every time I see this commercial it actively makes me NOT want to have anything to do with the company.  Because blasting your music in the car, whether it’s mariachi music like my old neighbors cranked up in their p.o.s. cadillac, or rap to show how gangsta you are in the ‘burbs, it’s just rude.

I Need A Time-Out on Sundays

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I’ve felt incomplete for almost a year.  There has been something missing from my life.  And empty void.  Specifically, at 9pm on Sunday evenings.  But now it’s all better.  Because Winter is here.

*if you haven’t seen the show, teeny spoiler below*

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But as someone with a photographic memory that has read the books years before the idea of a tv version came about, sometimes I need to get a grip.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Teen Idols

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So, I quilt on occasion.  I don’t quilt well, mind you, but good enough to fool someone who’s never sewn before.   A quilt of mine keeps me warm, has modern fabrics, and washes for a few years before it is destroyed.  That’s enough for me.  But I have this quilt I’ve been working on for-flipping-ever, and I want it done.  But as always, I wanted new fabric.  Because fabric is cooool.

So I go to the quilt store.  I was looking for a cute-but-not-toddler owl pattern, so I went to the specialty/oddball fabric aisle and I saw this and was aghast:

Maybe it’s because when I was a kid I had posters of Wham and bands with actual adult males in them…I just don’t understand sweating over a boy who still looks 12, when I didn’t even dream over them when I was 12.  I dunno.

What I do know is this does not need to exist.  Ever.  In any universe.  And when I saw it…

Tongues, Vaginas and Cold, Hard Cash

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I am very thankful that the Bachelor is almost over.  Because then my husband will have one less reality tv show to watch, and I can watch more worthwhile tv again. But I must admit, I was incredibly tortured by the show the last episode.  And my evil husband just laughed and laughed and laughed at my horror.

Okay.  First of all, it has always annoyed me that every conversation Ben has with any of the girls, he either kisses them or sends them home.  Fine.  But what is really irritating is the fact that every single time he leans in for a kiss he licks his lips.  Watch it sometime.  He looks like a lizard.

What’s even more ridiculous is the fact that all these crying, over emotional girls that are all (of course) madly in love with him are living in a giant vagina.  They totally are!  Here’s the hotel they were staying:

Technically, it’s a Trump Building, but COME ON. And of course they are staying at the top, living in the penthouse clitoris.  What else do I have to say about the show?  The host is lame.  He just pops in and says “there’s one rose left,” as if we couldn’t see that. That is his entire job.  He gets paid a butt-ton for  uttering one sentence per show, while he gets to stay is spiffy, tropic locales.  Dude, I really feel like an idiot.  A college degree and hard work?  What’s that gotten me?  A college degree and hard work.  What has walking into a room and uttering one sentence got him?  MILLIONS.

Let that be a lesson for all children everywhere: skip getting an education. Just learn how to stand there and look pretty until you make some shallow, token statement.

Okay.  Next week we will NOT be talking about popular culture at all.  Pinkie swear.

Don’t Mess With Ferris

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Okay, I had a whole other post planned, but I HAD to stop and write this one because of the dire necessity.  See, I have a few younger friends, but I have one in particular, let’s call her Sira, who has issues.  Major, Major issues.  You see, Sira was home schooled.  She missed some major markers of popular culture.  Some things I can dismiss, like her complete cluelessness on South Park or Cowboy Beebop.  I mean, she can speak multiple languages and has all sorts of geeky endeavors, right?  But there are some travesties that can not be overlooked.  Some of these I cannot grant as home schooled issues.  They are simply age issues.  Here’s a snippet of our conversation that led to my horror:

Me: “I weep for the future”.  Tell me you know what movie that was from.
Sira:  don’t write me off….i totally don’t know it.
Me: (GASP) Ferris Bueller’s day off!
Sira: but i watched the big lebowski last night!!! that should count for something!!
Me: OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT, I JUST THOUGHT YOU COULDN’T PLACE IT. MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!
Sira: SHUT UP!!!!!
Me: NO!
Sira: SHUT UP!!!!!
Me: You NEED HELP!  It’s a classic!  THE 80’s classic!
Sira: I knowwwwww….I just never saw these as a kid!
Me: I bet you haven’t seen ET or Poltergeist either
Sira: ET scared the shit of me when i was little!  Poltergeist, no…
Me: For the love of…nevermind.  I’m writing a blog post on this.
Sira: Greeeeeeat
My husband sees I’m turning purple and asks what’s wrong.  I tell him she hasn’t seen Ferris Buller’s Day Off.
Me: My husband says you are unAmerican.
Sira: Shut UP!  You’re not helping!
Me: Oh, we are.  We are so helping you.  You are deficient, girl.
Sira: you should make a list of the like top 10 or 15 movies i need to see in case i die this week

And so I shall.  Because if you were to walk up to me and tell me you hadn’t seen these movies, I would take that as badly as seeing you beat a puppy to death.  Using a baby seal as your weapon.  In front of a kindergarten class of ewoks.

I’m not saying these are the best movies of all time, but these are the movies that are classics from my generation (besides the obvious like Big or Top Gun or Terminator that everyone who has basic cable has seen a gazillion times), and tend to be the ones that I quote on a daily basis.  Hell, most of these are responsible for half the remakes and rehashes you get in teen movies today.  Except that Twilight crap. No one from my generation takes ANY responsibility for that.

MOVIES YOU MUST SEE TO EXIST TO ME

  1. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
  2. A Fish Called Wanda
  3. Breakfast Club
  4. Real Genius
  5. Princess Bride
  6. 16 Candles
  7. Harry Met Sally
  8. Goonies
  9. ET
  10. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
  11. Willow and/or Legend
  12. Better Off Dead
  13. Trading Places
  14. Big Trouble in Little China (it’s soooo bad it’s good)

Other important movies for purely personal reasons (and because I will continue to mess with her til she’s seen them):

Searching for Bobby Fischer, Sneakers, Weird Science, Steel Magnolias, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Rashoman, Amadeus, The Prime of Ms Jean Brodie, Sense and Sensibility, Good Will Hunting, Chasing Amy/Clerks/Clerks 2, Super Troopers, Thomas Crown Affair, The Royal Tenenbaums, Wonder Boys, Dogma, Confidence, Silence of the Lambs, The Big Chill, L.A. Confidential, Fifth Element, Inception, the Matrix, Starwars (the late 70’s early 80’s ones before Lucas started destroying the franchise).

I’m sure there are many others, but these are the ones that I can see from the couch.  Ahem.  Please, go ahead and add to the list.  This girl needs all the help she can get.