Freedom at the Pump


It seems the last few weeks I have nothing but company complaints in my mind. know that new commercial you see all the time on tv?  The one with the lady close to my age, actually, who gets out of a car with some kind of music blaring?  See, I know I’m supposed to look at it and go “she may be white, but she’s still hip!  I can be like her!”  Yeah.  I hate that commercial.

Every time I see that commercial, I start grinding my teeth.  Because they are trying to romanticize something I want to bitch slap her for.  Well, that commercial character and anyone else that makes me roll up my car window.

First of all, you don’t see if there’s a kid in the car, you just see a stuffed animal.  It’s not cool to have the music up if you’ve got kids, yo.  Busting your own ear drums is stupid as shit, but if there’s a kid present, you are irresponsible.  As in your kids are the ones who yell in every store because they have no hearing because they need hearing aids irresponsible.

Second, I dislike those stupid family stickers.  Except for the funny ones like these.

But bumper stickers in general are just weird to me.  Why advertise your politics or how many kids you have?  Are you looking to make life easier for stalkers?  I know some people have those stickers or “baby on board!” to advertise they have kids in order to make those around them more congenial on the highway, but, I don’t think you get a pass on cutting in front of me or driving like a jackhole just because you chose to push a baby out of your vagina.  I will still honk while I hit the brakes.

Honestly, this is all secondary to a more petty grievance in my mind.  You see, you might think pumping out the bass on your speakers is cool, but I think you are a raging dildo for it, because a) it makes my constant migraines instantly worse and b) it is, in fact, a noise violation, and c) I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR MUSIC.

So while I acknowledge the adolescent and quite transparent message of “be cool like her” in the commercial I will always reject due to my vehement distain for such crude, simple techniques, every time I see this commercial it actively makes me NOT want to have anything to do with the company.  Because blasting your music in the car, whether it’s mariachi music like my old neighbors cranked up in their p.o.s. cadillac, or rap to show how gangsta you are in the ‘burbs, it’s just rude.


An Ode to Burts Bees


When my Burts Bees ran out I found
there was no more cocoa shimmer around.
I hunted the Walmart and the drugstore,
and then online learned it was no more!
I emailed your site and asked what was your game
to find that you were only being lame.
You tossed this color to the side
so you could make more profits far and wide.
You say you will not bring it back
even though many customers decry the lack.
You suggested I try my luck
with Peony or Watermelon or Fig, but they suck.
All your washed out pinky tones make me cry,
so without Cocoa you can kiss my money goodbye.


You see, THIS is why I’m not allowed to have days without any need to sleep like a normal person.  I get all crazy about the little things because I have energy to burn. Instead of just writing a complaint about burts bees, I write poems, sonnets, a rhyming bitchfest.  If you are also annoyed at the lack of Cocoa lip shimmer, feel free to post my poem on their website or on amazon.  I’m still upset that hubba bubba got rid of their sugar free peppermint gum, which lasted longer and chewed smoother that the regular.  It’s been over 2 years and I still can’t get over it.

bubbleyumI may have issues.


I Only Use Hand Sanitizer Because I Feel Like It




I got to bed late last night.  As in, 3 a.m. as I have for the last two weeks as I grade and comment like a mad woman.  As I went to bed, I did the same thing I do every night: I closed the curtains on our backdoor.  Why?  So anyone who sneaks into our backyard won’t be able to see in.  Suddenly, I was channeling Sheldon Cooper, explaining that if anyone was going to try to kill me and rob the world of my greatness, I should at least help humanity out and make it slightly more difficult to locate me.

I realized as soon as I did it that the logic was faulty.  I’d been in the living room in full view for hours while grading.  I mean, if someone was stalking our place, they would creep in as they see me on the couch, trapped by a laptop and only the screen door blocking access.  Why break a sliding door if you don’t have to?  Is there such thing as a polite serial killer?  Doesn’t that kind of conflict with the job description?

We all have habits that make use feel better and probably don’t do anything to actually help at all. I started ticking off a list of the stuff that I do like that, and why.  It always comes down to a study or a statistic.

1. I used to sleep only in my knickers, and saw a research study showing that most stalkers/fetish murderers consider seeing a woman sleeping naked as encouragement. They might hunt possible victims, choosing in part by what they see as an invitation.  Now I wear some sort of pajamas.

2. I use the first or second stall in any public bathroom, as studies have shown that they have the least amount of bacteria, lice, etc, within since people tend to use the stalls near the back.

3. I also hide our knives in a drawer instead of on the magnetic knife strip, because research has also shown that people who break into your house for a burglary are less likely to commit violence if they cannot easily find a weapon.

4. I shake out my shoes before putting them on, because brown recluse spiders are more likely to hide there and in your jackets than almost anywhere else in your house.  Except in your bed.  They love bedsheets.  So I tend to check all of those places.  But that’s just good sense.  Those bastards can rot your flesh off.

5. I keep any shopping bags or extra items in my car in the trunk and my change hidden, as you are more likely to have your car broken into if there is visual incentive, even if it is a dollar in change.

6. I use hand sanitizer after using a lab keyboard because a scientific journal I read found most keyboards had traces of ecoli and saliva on them.

7. If someone held me at gun point and told me to get in the van, I wouldn’t.  You have a very high chance of getting raped or killed if you do, around 80 percent.  I’d run in a zigzag pattern while screaming at the top of my head, because it’s harder to shoot someone if you don’t have a singular focal point.  Also, you have a much smaller chance of them actually firing on you.

8. The only reason I wear any makeup at all (it’s quite minimal as it is) is because studies have shown, sadly, that people who look attractive are also seen as more intelligent.  Since I’m a professor, I figure whatever edge I can get helps.  But I secretly envy my peers who wear tees and jeans every day.

9. I also don’t take vitamins anymore because many scientific journals have proven that the acid in your stomach destroys 98 percent of the nutrients before you even have a chance of absorbing them.

10. I keep a cap on my toothbrush, and store it in a cabinet.  I’ve also harped at my husband until he, too, closes the lid before he flushes.  This is all due to studies that have proven fecal matter and urine crystals can float in the air during a toilet flush and travel over 30 feet, landing on all sorts of objects.  But wet toothbrushes trapped those particles more often.  Oh, and over 70 percent of the dust in your house is dead skin cells, so that landing on a wet toothbrush is also pretty disgusting.

And then I realized: oh god, it’s not a joke. I really AM Sheldon from Big Bang Theory.


I Got An Owie


So, one of my favorite blog posts is also one about a hazardous running accident I had years ago.  I’ve been plagued with problems ever since, and have seen first hand the stupidity of our healthcare system. I have also probably been blacklisted, as of thursday, as a “difficult patient”.

And to be clear, I don’t want to just be handed a jar of painkillers, I actually want to fix the problem, but that, you see, costs my healthcare provider actual money.

healthcare healthcare2Actually, it’s more than 3 years, more like 8 years, but that seems like an over exaggeration even though it’s not, so I underplayed it. And am now typing this, so give or take 5 years of steady pain.  Whatever…